I was raised to believe in the nobler aspects of humanity like love, loyalty, compassion and friendship. I believed people were generally benevolent and altruistic towards one another without the thought of gain. It was my duty to protect and shepherd the weak, as the favor would be returned to me in my time of need.

I don’t want to claim that real love and real friendship are impossible, for there are certainly powerful exceptions of love and friendship through thick and thin, but they are exactly that — the exception — not the rule. Family is one thing, as are childhood/long-term friends, but most people in your life are just trying to use you.

The more unfortunate patterns I have found in my life include friends that want something from me other than my winning personality, women that leave when the winds redirect and thankless, soul-sucking employers to whom I am an interchangeable cog. The sad fact of life is that there is no love without a tinge of desperation, friendship without a pinch of envy and employment without a dash of fear.

When you hear asshole employers, bitch girlfriends and douche-bag moochers of friends mouth platitudes about compassion or commitment, it is your job to realize that the cause is the bait. Kindness doesn’t have to be weakness, but the sad fact is that it usually is, especially if you do what they want for any other reason than it was exactly what you felt like doing.

All of those puppy-dog eyes, team-player speeches and ‘c’mon, bro!’-'s are only designed to do one thing, which is fatten you for the kill.

I have been a victim of this manipulation more times than I can count. A little tug on my heart strings is usually all it took for my imagination to run wild. I soak up the emotion in the air like a sponge, drowning my brain in drama until I squeeze all the liquid back out like a big, runny shit.

So, in the past, I did what was solicited of me and went about my business, confident that good karma would avail. But more often then not, reciprocation never came.

Somewhere in my zeal to help others and be a good friend, I turned into a chameleon, adopting the interests of others to the detriment of my own. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on, and I’m glad I have since, but I’m still undoing a process of beta-fication that was long in the making.

At first, I got really fucking pissed that I wasn’t actually playing for Team Mucius. But over time, I began to see what that process was. Living for satisfying others is always a recipe for disaster. It doesn’t matter how well intentioned you are, or that the person you’re helping understands you to be. Whoever shows themselves to be the less outcome-dependent person in a relationship is always the one who harnesses that relationship’s power and keeps the upper hand.

A dick move of sorts is always necessary to define boundaries and ensure emotional compliance (slavery). My token offering of friendship and kindness was ultimately always interpreted as the weakness it was, for the self-confident man doesn’t need externalities, or at least shouldn’t strive after them.

The fact remains that social interaction is a zero sum game. It’s either you or them. Altruism for its own sake is useless. It must always be placed in context, and you, my friend, are the context.

I wrestled with this belief for a long time, but now I understand it as a necessity. If you don’t help yourself first before all others, no one else will give you the time of day.

Ugly truth and moral outrage are two sides of the same coin. The things that I decried when helpless are the things I now champion as a capable man. I will slit your fucking throat on the slightest pretext if it means my family or I will be safe and provided for. Sorry if that was your daddy or your brother.

It’s not that I don’t give a fuck about anyone at all. Respect can be and should be earned. It’s kind of fucked up, but people only care about you when they know you don’t give a shit about them and could walk away any time.  In cultivating this philosophy, I have gained much more of what I wanted from people in the first place, through nearly counter-intuitive means.

I am in no way advocating that you seek to cultivate as Machiavellian a personality as possible. There are limits as to how self-serving anyone should be. At the end of the day, the golden rule, as an outgrowth of an eye for an eye philosophy, is designed for your protection. The one thing that people forget is that it used to be backed up with eye gouging and beheadings.

It’s hard sometimes to play judge, jury and executioner, but it is what you must do to ensure stability and peace of mind for yourself and your loved ones.

Besides, I’d rather be known as Mucius the Merciful — upholding the rights of all with the ominious threat of a righteous ass-whipping (or eye-gouging or beheading) — than Mucius the Pussy, respecting the rights of all but unable to force the hand of even the lowliest bar-slut or assistant manager to return the favor.

For these reasons, I’m glad I’ve morphed into the selfish asshole I am today. On my worst days, it puts me on parity with the trash of the earth, but every once in a while, when the sun is shining, perhaps, it reminds me that being an asshole is actually a gift to the world.

I would like to personally thank every ex-girlfriend, shitty friend and greedy employer I’ve ever had. Without them, I wouldn’t be anywhere worthwhile today.

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